I Don’t Deserve This
Far off in the distance thunder rattled and rolled through the sky. A storm had just exchanged the hot summer air for a gentle breeze blowing comfortably through my kitchen. Meanwhile, the smell of rain and fresh coffee made for an inspiring aroma as I sat in front of a glowing laptop. It was 10:30 at night, and the entrepreneur’s routine of sleepless nights was just kicking off again.
The baseball games were all over. The neighborhood was dark. Even on the West Coast, there weren’t any updating sports scores or Tweeting insomniacs to distract me from the long task at hand. It was just another long night of alone time with the MacBook. So I worked. I worked hard, because that’s what I have to do.
A few refills and an empty coffee cup later, weariness finally beat out my caffeine supply. It was time to call it a night (or a morning, I wasn’t really sure). The storms were completely gone now and the gentle breeze was a cold wind. I couldn’t wait to crawl in to my warm bed, despite the fact that the alarm clock would ring just hours later. With not a thought on my mind, I quickly fell asleep.
Down the street, garbage trucks collected and chomped the neighborhood trash. Last night’s cold wind was once again warming under the Missouri sun, and the smells and sounds of a fresh morning filled my bedroom. It was time to wake up, and I was late. A little too much pounding on the alarm clock left me with just a few minutes to get ready for work. I was frustrated with myself for oversleeping – and the fact that I might not get my trash to the curb in time.
The coffee was sucked dry during last night’s work session, and there was no time for breakfast, so I threw some blueberries in a coffee mug and some jalapeno potato chips into a bowl. Fruits and veggies, breakfast of champions (or rushed professionals, I’m not really sure). Then in a moment of clarity, I sat down at the kitchen table again and pulled out my Bible.
“God, I’m so sorry. Last night, I just had a lot of work to do. And I know we’ve been working on a morning routine. But I messed up and I’ve got to run.”
Great job, Mike, you idiot. I had been working on a morning routine. Waking up early to spend time in prayer followed by a healthy breakfast was part of the plan. I knew God was waiting for me with great anticipation. That time together was always so fruitful. I loved it. I know God loved it, too.
There wasn’t any more thunder in the skies. The garbage trucks were gone. The kitchen was absent of any aromas at all. In the silence, I stayed a few moments longer. I said a prayer for my fiancé, then again apologized to God for the rush, and confessed from my heart that I still really want Him. Probably out of guilt, I also asked that this short but peaceful spirit of prayer would continue with me as I drove to work. I guess since I couldn’t stay, I was hoping that God would come with me.
I’m usually really bad at praying in the car. I get distracted and hopelessly tempted by sports talk radio. But this morning, when I was feeling guilty and expecting little, God kept pouring in to me. My prayers were full of conviction. My desire for God was increasing with each word that I prayed and I was falling deeper and deeper in love with Him. He was filling me with wisdom and revelation. He was blessing me.
“I don’t deserve this!”
I’m not sure I could have turned off this fountain if I wanted to. As I continued to drive, I was reminded that God’s grace follows me everywhere I go. Even though I was the one that didn’t even think of Him before I laid my head down to rest, and also the same one that rushed out the door in the morning, God’s grace was sufficient to cover my failures. He wanted to use this as a reminder of how much He loves me.
God’s mercy and grace is inescapable. It follows you everywhere. Our God is a god who relentlessly pursues His children out of an indescribable love. He lets nothing get in the way of His grace, not even our own sin and failures. So be encouraged, like I was, that God’s mercy follows us everywhere. Be thankful, like I am, that I can’t earn anything from God. And finally, pursue Him, like I will, with all of your heart and soul and mind. You too will fail sometimes, but His power is made perfect in our weakness and His grace never runs out.
It’s a beautiful thing when you find it, feel it, and thank Him for it.
Photo Credit: ryantron (via Flickr Creative Commons)